Redemption
by Black Lightning Bolt
Summary: "So many words and so many mistakes; sin after damning sin. All he could think was how he had never learned from any of them." Sam may need God's clemency to complete the trials but it's Dean's forgiveness that will always be the most important to him. Spoilers for 8x23.


_**A/N: I just had to write something for this moment. It was just so...words cannot describe. I really hope I did it justice!**_

_**Warnings: Spoilers for 8x23, angst and feelings of inadequacy**_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural. I'm just a very loving fan!**_

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Words.

Sam thought it was almost funny how even after all he had done and how much he had tried to make up for his mistakes that it was something as simple as words that could purify his soul. Then again there were so many that he wondered if he could ever stop confessing. Cramped in the small wooden booth with all his life's guilt pouring continuously out of his mouth. So many words and so many mistakes; sin after damning sin. All he could think was how he had never learned from any of them. Azazel, Ruby, Lilith, Lucifer – they had all played him like puppet while Dean had always seen the truth.

He had let Dean down so many times and that was his greatest sin. His words flow swifter now; so much so they're almost slurred as he lets them all out.

Sorry for leaving Dean when he went to Stanford all those years ago.

Sorry for being tainted with demon blood.

Sorry for dying, for Dean's time in hell, causing the apocalypse and being the vessel of Lucifer.

Sorry for losing his soul, for letting Dean become a vampire, letting Dean suffer in purgatory and not looking for him when he should have.

Sorry for putting Dean through so much unnecessary pain.

_Sorry, sorry, sorry._

Sam says it so many times he wonders if it still holds the power of redemption. He wonders if a soul as black as his can be truly cleaned. Yet he carries on because he's still nowhere near done. Confessing until his throat is dry and his voice is rough. How can Dean not hate him and still call him brother after all his mistakes? And how can he cure the King of Hell when he feels like he can't even purge his own depravities? Still he leaves the confessional when all he keeps repeating is his apologises to Dean. It hurts because he feels like it will never be enough but his brother is waiting for him and he can't let Dean down again.

The relief is sharp and quick when his blood seems to work on Crowley and for a moment he feels like perhaps he has been saved. Only the feeling is short lived because the redemption of God means nothing to him personally. To Sam it is Dean's forgiveness alone that really counts and it's with Dean in mind he continues the final trial. Perhaps after this they can start anew and all the cracks in their relationship will be filled and Dean will always trust in him.

Before long it's time for the final dose that will cure Crowley forever. It's the final piece of the puzzle that means so much to Sam. He'll be a better person after this. He'll be the brother Dean deserves rather than the disappointment that he is. Sam's hand shakes in both nerves and excitement as he takes his last steps towards Crowley. This his moment and he-

Dean bursts in through the door and everything goes to hell.

Dean wants him to stop. He wants Sam to stop what they've been working so hard for all this time and Sam's never been so confused. So what if he dies to close hell's gates? At least Dean will have had a brother to be proud of and Sam will be worthy to be called Dean Winchester's sibling. So the words from the confessional tumble out to make Dean see sense and the look on Dean's face is heart breaking because Sam doesn't even know what Dean's thinking anymore.

"_Do you wanna know what I confessed in there? What my greatest sin was? Was how many times I let you down. I can't do that again."_

Then Dean's talking again, pleading with him and Sam realises that maybe he's getting this wrong again. They fall silent as he tries to figure out his next move and it's the pain on Dean's face is what decides it for Sam. He won't let his brother down again even if it means that the gates to hell remain open. He won't sacrifice his brother's forgiveness and wellbeing for anything.

"_How do I stop?"_ He needs to know because he doesn't think he can. He's a mess and he knows it, he can see it in Dean's eyes, but he also knows Dean will know what to do. Dean always knows what to do.

"_Just let it go."_

"_I can't. It's in me Dean. You don't know what it feels like." _And Sam hopes Dean never has to because it feelslike every cell in his body is on fire. His body is screaming he has to finish this while his heart screams no. No because he loves his brother, and if Dean says stop then he knows he has to.

"_Hey, listen. We will figure it out okay? Just like we always do. Come on, come on, just let it go okay?" _

And wrapped in his brother's forgiving arms Sam finally does.


End file.
